Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off