Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy