Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home