Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.