I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
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When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?