Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
As the Lord intended
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza