My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
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2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Sharon I have some bad news
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting