Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
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FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.