My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.