*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
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my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Planet of the Apps.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.