“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.