HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone