Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
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Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.