My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”