Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.