FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
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Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler