Squirrel having fun.. 😅
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It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year