found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.