ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
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Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.