Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
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my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I was just discussing this with my cat
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I don’t know what to do
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?