EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
You Might Also Like
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.