I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
The smoothest fall of all time
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
They’re stuck in your pants?
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.