I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
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“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
The pen is writier than the sword.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.