Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
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Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
honestly, i need both:
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
somebody come look at this
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”