@ewfeez
*on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*
@ewfeez
@ewfeez
You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.
@ewfeez
Bald eagles fly at such high elevations to hide their baldness from other, meaner birds. Millennia of adaptive evolution at work.
@ewfeez
Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”
@ewfeez
Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination
@ewfeez
*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?
@ewfeez
“Don’t take this the wrong way.”
-Lazy pharmacist
@ewfeez
*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees
@ewfeez
Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?
@ewfeez
[Kool-Aid Man breaks thru wall]
Oh ya!
[breaks 2nd wall]
Oh ya!
[3rd wall]
OHHH YEAAHH!
[breaks 4th wall]
I’ve had many, many concussions