*on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*
You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.
Bald eagles fly at such high elevations to hide their baldness from other, meaner birds. Millennia of adaptive evolution at work.
Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”
Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination
*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?
“Don’t take this the wrong way.”
*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees
Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?
[Kool-Aid Man breaks thru wall]
[breaks 2nd wall]
[breaks 4th wall]
I’ve had many, many concussions