@ewfeez

*on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*

@ewfeez

You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.

@ewfeez

Bald eagles fly at such high elevations to hide their baldness from other, meaner birds. Millennia of adaptive evolution at work.

@ewfeez

Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”

@ewfeez

Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination

@ewfeez

*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?

@ewfeez

“Don’t take this the wrong way.”

-Lazy pharmacist

@ewfeez

*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees

@ewfeez

Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?

@ewfeez

[Kool-Aid Man breaks thru wall]
Oh ya!
[breaks 2nd wall]
Oh ya!
[3rd wall]
OHHH YEAAHH!
[breaks 4th wall]
I’ve had many, many concussions