Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
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I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
gm
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies