*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!