The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
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Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*