Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
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My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Well, shit
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.