read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”