Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
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Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code