me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
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Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Acronyms got me like WTF?