“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!