Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
#milo
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My teenage children choosing violence
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?