My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
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*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Worst perfume name ever.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Netflix and scream at our children?!
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
thinking about a very short hotdog