I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
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[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
me adding lol on a serious message
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
How it started How it’s going
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..