{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that