I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.