I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.