My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.