@ficklenuts: Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
@ficklenuts: HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no...
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
@ficklenuts: My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
@ficklenuts: I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won't stop her from trying to fight an average duck
@ficklenuts: My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
@ficklenuts: [first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
@ficklenuts: Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.