@ficklenuts

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

@ficklenuts

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

@ficklenuts

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

@ficklenuts

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

@ficklenuts

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

@ficklenuts

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

@ficklenuts

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

@ficklenuts

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

@ficklenuts

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.