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Page of ficklenuts's best tweets

@ficklenuts : I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

@ficklenuts: HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no...

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

@ficklenuts: My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

@ficklenuts: I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won't stop her from trying to fight an average duck

@ficklenuts: My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

@ficklenuts: [first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

@ficklenuts: Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

@ficklenuts: Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

@ficklenuts: Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

@ficklenuts: “Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.