I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.