@fightforfood

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

@fightforfood

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

@fightforfood

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

@fightforfood

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

@fightforfood

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

@fightforfood

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

@fightforfood

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

@fightforfood

The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don’t wanna die

@fightforfood

When you guys describe me to your families do you use the word tigress? I’d prefer if you included tigress

@fightforfood

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.