you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting