*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I put the p in pants.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.