If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
<—- homeless romantic
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.