My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
me hooking up with my ex
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.