@fillthevacuum

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

@fillthevacuum

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

@fillthevacuum

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

@fillthevacuum

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.