Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.