Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
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I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???