In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?