People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
You Might Also Like
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
🙋♀️
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
🍞🦆
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My safe word is Worcestershire
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.